This is a thread for expat jokes

Feel free to add something (we could all do with a laugh!) but please try to keep it within the bounds of decency. Please don't post jokes on politics, racism, religion or use offensive language.

Now that's halved your repertoire... Let's have a good laugh

Cheers
Piglet
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Last edited by Carole on Tue Aug 09, 2011 12:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

- piglet

This is a thread for expat jokes

Please don't post jokes on politics, racism, religion or use offensive language.

Now that's halved your repertoire..

Cheers
Piglet

Halved ????

You mean toatally destroyed  

- fredbargate

- piglet

This is a thread for expat jokes

Please don't post jokes on politics, racism, religion or use offensive language.

Now that's halved your repertoire..

Cheers
Piglet

Halved ????

You mean toatally destroyed

Fred that's the joke!
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Web: www.expatfocus.com
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E-book: www.expatfocus.com/moving-guide 

So after landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, Good morning Madam and welcome to Asda, nice children you have there, are they twins? The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, no, they ain't twins.. The oldest ones 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid? So I replied, I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .  

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Jana Gana Mana, Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, 1948, the Chinese aggression, the '65 war, the '71 war, Yahya Khan and the British tyrants. They remember the Atomic Age, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing.

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courteous to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men in the Armed Forces, serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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Never Argue with a Woman.


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.


She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book..


The peace and solitude are magnificent.


Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.


He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'


'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'


'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.


'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.


It's likely she can also think.



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