by Martha Andrus

Observing and people watching is one of my favorite hobbies, so being in the Netherlands has afforded me an opportunity to do one of my favorite things. The Dutch are a rather reserved group of people, not overly friendly and a little cautious of strangers and even people they casually have met.

In the southern U.S., it is not uncommon to meet someone on the street and speak, even though you do not know that person. Here, it is more like the northern U.S, in that no one speaks or even looks you in the eye. So I have learned to curb my southern hospitality and just look straight ahead.

The greeting of good friends and family is also different. No one in Holland would hug another person. The customary welcome is to kiss them on the cheek three times alternating sides. I laughed at a comment from a Dutch woman who was in the U.S. and stated she was so tired of smiling at everyone and had never received so many hugs in her entire adult life.

The Dutch are mostly very family oriented and Dutch birthday parties are a real experience. We expats call them the Circle of Hell. Typically, the Dutch birthday party can be an all day or an evening event. I have only attended those in the evening. But an all day party is definitely a rude awakening, especially for Americans.

The all day event usually starts in early afternoon and, as I have been told, do not go expecting dinner to be served. A tray of cookies, which no Dutch household would be found without, is passed around once and coffee is served in small, demitasse size cups. The cookie tray might get passed around one other time or if you are lucky. The guests sit in chairs in a circle, so thus the Circle of Hell. Conversation is, of course, in Dutch, so if you are not a native Dutch speaker, you are totally lost. The older Dutch do not believe in speaking much English, even if they can. Gifts are opened as soon as you arrive with them, so you do not see any gifts except for the one you have brought. Later in the evening, wine might be served along with some cheese and crackers. Everyone has stayed seated in the circle and no one would dare to move out of that circle or that would be considered rude.

The most surprising tradition of the Dutch birthdays is that the birthday person buys their own birthday cake and prepares all the food and drink for their birthday party. No Dutch would ever think of buying or bringing a birthday cake for the honoree.

In the event of a death in a Dutch family, a paid announcement is put into the local newspaper. An announcement is mailed to all friends and family and included in is a pre-addressed envelope. The recipients of these announcement/envelopes will generally send a donation to the family. Flowers are also sent but the monetary donation is more customary.

I laugh to myself when I observe the Dutch on their bicycles. It is not uncommon to see an elderly couple biking to the grocery or wherever their journey is taking them. It is also not uncommon to see the woman wearing a skirt and pantyhose as she pedals her bike. Some have scarves on their heads, but most without. To say that most Dutch women have bad hair days here is an understatement, especially if they are bike riders. You rarely see an adult riding their bike with a helmet but it is usually windy or raining so any of these would not be conducive for a great hairdo.

I have to say that I have encountered some very friendly, warm Dutch women, but also have met many who were not. The men tend to be more friendly than the women. When they say something to you in Dutch and you tell them you only speak English, most will speak back in English. The Dutch are taught English in all schools so it is not an uncommon practice to hear most Dutch speaking English. But some will insist on not letting you know that they speak English. Also, if you are able to speak Dutch, but it is not with a proper Dutch accent, they will respond to you in English even if you are wishing to converse in Dutch.

It is also not a common practice to acknowledge new neighbors and, when American expats do this in their neighborhoods, they are looked at questionably. Most Dutch neighbors keep to themselves and do not visit very often. I have to say, though, that I have some nice neighbors and have encountered some very friendly Dutch. Some of the women have taken a few encounters to warm up, but if you are aware of that, then you do not take it personally. It is just the Dutch way.

Martha's partner, Jac, provides specialist tax advice for expats in The Netherlands. He can be contacted at:

Multibreen BV
Individual and Corporate Tax Consultants
Located in Leiderdorp, The Netherlands
Phone: 071-541-9220
Email: multibreen@xs4all.nl