by Dina Zavrski-Makaric

Good social relationships play a key role in a good quality of life. In fact, the recent study from Flinders University in South Australia shows that meaningful reciprocal relations with friends are more important to our well-being than spending time with our family! Newcomers are in the best position to start working on staying well and healthy until very old age.

Many of us who relocated countries felt that our social networks were stirred from the bottom up. For most of us relocation means that our old social networks have come to an abrupt end, and starting new ones is often filled with anxiety of the unknown. Our connections to the wider world, our deepest feelings of being accepted and safe are gone. Leaving family and friends behind, coming to an environment where we don't know anyone is an unsafe and challenging experience.

Maintaining personal and regular contact with friends and relatives who are left behind becomes hard - sometimes impossible. We have to start building our social networks from zero, but we don't have time for that. We have to find a home to live in, work to provide us with an income; we have to find a doctor, a hairdresser, a plumber, school and after school care if we have kids, we must buy a car, spend weekends looking for furniture... Sorry, but there is no time to socialize!

Humans are social beings, and social inclusion is crucial to our wellbeing and high self-esteem. If our social connections are inadequate we can soon start slipping into depression and feelings of low self-esteem. Sooner or later we start feeling emptiness inside ourselves and we start craving friends.

Just reading all this is enough to make you depressed! Well, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You made a wonderful decision to relocate and get to know another part of this wonderful planet, and it comes with its people too! We had a choice to relocate, made a decision and invested some effort. Now we have another choice of putting some effort into creating new social networks, making new friends!

As children we used to be really good at making friends and acquaintances. Why does it become so hard now when we are adults? There are a couple of reasons. One is that as children we trusted our natural curiosity and wanted to know more about 'this girl or that boy' to whom we were attracted by something they were wearing or to whom we were just pulled by some invisible energy. The second reason is that as children we were still very pure in how we perceived ourselves and others and our inner critic of self and others wasn't yet developed enough to spoil the fun.

Whoever teaches children to network and form relationships, other than adults saying to those few shy ones 'There, there, go and play with such-and-such. She is a nice girl!'? So we went, tested the little person and probably made friends for life. Or if we didn't like her or him, we moved on to another one. Yet as adults we have to read books on how to network, attend workshops and training courses that are teaching us those skills that we always had in ourselves - curiosity and an open mind. These are the only two skills that you will ever need if you want to meet people and make friends. And even better news is that we all have these two skills in ourselves, we just need to reawaken them! Life is much simpler than what we are led to believe while growing up! So for everyone, particularly newcomers - it is back to basics!

Everyone I've ever met liked a friendly approach, and those who haven't are not worth spending my time with anyway. We all have a pretty good idea of what is appropriate to ask a person at a social function, and what is appropriate at a business function. Religion, politics and social status are always a 'no' in any culture, unless you become really friendly with someone and start disclosing these deep beliefs. To be safe, wait for the other person to start disclosing first.

I've read somewhere that everyone has at least 3 things in common with everyone else in the world. How about making that a focus when you next meet someone new? Once you learn what these 3 things in common are, start building a conversation around them.

Don't be shy to initiate conversations. A child often starts a conversation by saying 'What are you doing? What are you playing with? Can I have a look at this?' - these questions are just as good for adults as they are for children (replace 'playing' with reading, working on, watching on TV/in the movies, etc.).

People love to help others; it makes them feel good about themselves. If you need help - ask for it. I've never met anyone who refused me if I said 'Could you please help me with...' And as above, those who refuse are not worth your time anyway.

It is only natural that in the new environment we tend to look for support of people of similar backgrounds to our own. Many people start going to clubs where they will meet others from their home country. People we meet there can provide a relatively safe environment to talk to about our first experiences, and are a source of information on where to go and how to do things. If we come from a different language background, it is also easier to talk to someone in our mother-tongue than translate in our head. What we must be aware of is that, whilst our geographical background is similar, everything else could be quite different. Our socio-economic background may differ, education, interests, values and attitudes. Good social connections assume similarities in how we live our life and ways we do things. Be aware of the possible differences with people from your home country and you will save yourself some disappointments.

Another common experience is that our own nationals tend to pass onto us their negative judgments toward the society that we are just entering. Their negative perception can cloud our experiences and drag us into hours of 'bitching' about the new environment, and idealizing the 'old country'. You will know that you fell in this trap when you start judging everything and everyone in your new environment as 'bad', and everything and everyone you left behind as 'better'. In reality that is not true and such an attitude closes your mind to new opportunities and learnings. As soon as you catch yourself, snap out of it and perform a reality check. Not everything and everyone was great back home, just as not everything and everyone is bad in your new surroundings. Good and bad people are not defined by culture and a place of living.

Having the initial support group of people of similar background is great and can certainly reduce the early stresses. What you must be aware of is that if these people have negative attitudes toward your new society it will ruin your experience too. So stay alert and look for people who have a positive attitude and are keeping an open mind to accepting and learning the new.

Another thing to be aware of is where you are going to live. Living close to 'your people' will certainly give you a sense of safety. However, you are also running a danger of being closed in a 'ghetto', which according to some research could be psychologically damaging. Surrounding yourself only with people who are the same as you will definitely stay in the way of your integration with the new, holding back your personal growth. If being with 'your people' is what you want why did you make this move in the first place? You could have stayed in the familiar surrounding without going through the hassles of the relocation.

For someone as adventurous and open to opportunities as a newcomer, rather than living in a 'ghetto', challenge yourself a little bit further and find a suburb to live at because you like the looks of it, rather than its people. Soon you will meet the locals, learn the language faster and become part of the new culture sooner.

Once you make a few contacts make sure you initiate the next get-together and maintain the relationship. There is nothing wrong in inviting someone for coffee or to see a movie. Ask your new found friends if you can join them when they are next going out. Remember how children often say 'Can I play with you?' and are rarely rejected!

The most rewarding relationships are those in which you can receive and give. That way the connection will be nurtured both ways and you will not feel like you are only taking. Offer to prepare your national meal - food is a great way of bringing people closer to each other, and you will also teach your new friend something about your culture.

Don't take rejections personally. You haven't been best friends with everyone in your home country, so it is unrealistic to expect that you will make friends with everyone in your new country.

Start building social networks with a good support group of people who have positive attitudes towards the host culture, irrespective of their background. Chances are that these people will also have established networks with the host nationals and help you expand your social networks.

Informing yourself about your new host culture and cultural differences will increase your knowledge about what to expect and how to better form new relationships. You may need to develop new communication and social skills, as the ones from your home culture may not serve you as well in this new environment as they did in your home country. Eventually, you will develop a new support group consisting of members of the host society, and rely less on support from fellow-foreigners.

There are many expatriate groups that provide a good platform for building social networks. Most of them are based around geographic background (American, British, South African and other groups). There are also the multicultural ones, like the Newcomers Network which holds monthly events in Melbourne and Sydney with all the details on http://www.newcomersnetwork.com/mel/events/index.php.

Other places to go and meet people are based around your interests. We are very fortunate in Sydney as there are so many places of interest to choose from. Local councils usually keep brochures with information on various interest groups. Also check out their Community Notice boards. Local community centers run inexpensive courses for a wide variety of interests and hobbies, from learning a new language, to yoga classes, craft, painting, writing courses and many more. Having a similar interest or a hobby is a much stronger friendship builder than being born in the same country and speaking the same language.

Remember that social networks are meant to be fun and spontaneous. If you approach people in a fun and spontaneous way, with curiosity and an open mind - they will respond the same. Those who don't are going to miss out on meeting someone new and interesting - you!

Dina Zavrski-Makaric is a professional and personal development coach, mentor and facilitator. She helps people find who they are when they are at their best, and be more of that in anything they do. Her clients are executives, middle-managers, small business owners and individuals with a common desire to be the best and live their life with ease. A member of the International Coach Federation and a business member of the Newcomers Network, Dina is also a host of the 'Welcome to Sydney' social events. Dina's articles have been published in The Australian News UK, and on a numerous global expatriate websites.

Information: www.challengingdirections.com

Contact: dina@challengingdirections.com.