by Dina Zavrski-Makaric

I was amused the other day, listening to a guy on tv, saying how it causes him real stress when his dog attacks the washing on the clothes line. The visiting expert on the show offered a solution to the problem; put your clothes line up higher and keep your dog away from the back garden. Sensible advice. It reminded me of my own stress levels 18 years ago when we relocated to Sydney. Finding accommodation, looking for childcare, husband not able to find a job, me having to go look for one, sleeping on rented furniture, eating from borrowed plates… just some of the life events causing us stress. If back then we had had a dog attacking the clothes line, maybe we would be able to put all this other stuff into perspective. Or would we just give the dog away?

I am not good at keeping scores, but the number of articles over the years on 'how to manage stress' must be up with the winners. Newspapers, magazines, tv and radio programmes, week in week out, give sensible advice on how to cope with life's day-to-day events: work life, love life, family problems, health, financial challenges… You ask people what causes them stress and they usually name one or two things. That is until you ask a newcomer who relocated to another country in the past twelve months. Then you'll see a person whose work, family, health, social, financial and all other aspects of life changed greatly at the same time, over a short period, away from familiar surroundings and known support systems.

On the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS) measuring stressful key life events, everyone who's ever relocated scores between 200 to over 300 points, experiencing moderate to major stress levels. From changes in living conditions, to work hours and conditions, residence, social activities, sleeping habits, family get-togethers, to eating habits and holidays, all is most likely experienced by a newcomer, whether they're an expatriate, skilled migrant or a repatriate, of same or different language or cultural background.

The moment we make a decision to relocate, we put in motion the wheels of a major life transition. Multiple changes leave very little time to relax, take a hot bath or go for a walk. Often there is no alternative to making a decision of enrolling children at an unknown school, entrusting your health to an unheard-of doctor or signing up with an unfamiliar employer. We crossed countries and flew through the skies, but we are still only humans, and the melting pot of emotions starts brewing with excitement, anticipation, expectations and fears. Our stress mechanism is in overdrive, coping with good and bad life events, making us more susceptible to physical and mental illness.

From questions like 'Was this a good or a bad decision?', to 'Am I going to find a job? Will it fulfil my expectations? Where am I going to live? What are people like and how am I going to make friends?' For those with children the questions are 'Who is going to look after them? Will I be able to enrol them into a pre-school, and can I trust the teachers, the system? What is the school system like anyway? Is it anything like the one I'm used to? Will I be able to help them with school work?' Then more general, but nevertheless important questions of 'How do I find a trusted doctor, hairdresser and dentist? What is Medicare and how do I sign up for it? Where and which insurance policies do I take? How to connect the utilities? Where do I buy a car? Is the money we brought with us going to last until we find a job? How is the family left behind coping?'

List of questions goes on and on, each one requiring an immediate decision and action and many left up in the air, causing us more anxieties and unknowns. Not much time left for putting the clothes on the line, let alone a dog!

Stress levels will remain high for quite a while, sometimes up to a year, sometimes even longer. A newcomer will receive 'sensible advice' on how to manage stress with much cynicism. But all is not lost, and there are still things you can do to get through the rough period:

1. Talk to someone - don't keep your thoughts and feelings inside. Talk to anyone who will listen. Even if you can't see 'the point' because 'talking would not bring up a solution' or 'they can't help anyway' - still talk. Call an old friend and ask them to just listen to you. If there is really no one to talk to, start a journal. Getting it out of your system will decrease the mounting tension and possibly open new ways of thinking, often leading to decisions.

2. Prioritise - too much thinking and having to do is overwhelming. During times of relocation you are handling a lot at the same time that normally you would spread out. Make a list of all the tasks and categorise as small, medium or big. Then place them in order of importance: low, medium and high. Obviously do the high priority first, but decide according to your personal preferences whether you wish to get rid of the small ones first, or you'd rather tackle the big ones. Look at which tasks you have to do by yourself, and which ones you can delegate. This is not the time to feel guilty about not being able to do it all at once and all by yourself. Delegation is part of a job well done.

3. Make decisions - even if a decision is not '"for life", "ideal" or "perfect", still make it and accept that it may carry some risk. Again, look at what is on offer and what are your immediate needs. If you need to start getting income first, then take a job that is in front of you, and look for a better one later. If the temporary accommodation expires soon then it's better to settle on a six month lease in a suburb that is not your preference, than live under the stress of ending up in the street. Making decisions, no matter how small and "not ideal", is better than keeping yourself in the grey area.

4. Take action - once you make a decision, act on it. As long as taking action is not putting you or your family in danger, take a risk, but minimise it by making short term commitments until you see how it plays out. Taking action will move you forward, however slowly. The worst that could happen is that you change when you are better informed.

5. Be mindful - if you listen to your body, you will learn how it reacts to stress. Remember that stress is caused by both good and bad events, and even the slightest feeling of anxiety or tension is a sign. Through mindfulness you will be able to alleviate negative feelings by taking a short walk, having a shower (there is never enough time for a bath!), taking a 20-minute nap, or just switching on the TV and watching something relaxing and unengaging.

6. Be kind - at times of heightened stress it's easy to forget that our spouse, partner or children are going through exactly the same experiences as we are, even if they are not showing it in the same way. Particularly be kind to children. They often feel confused with the new situation but are unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings well. If you catch yourself becoming angry, take 'time-out'. Excuse yourself and leave the room, take a few deep breaths or write what you feel in your journal. You may think you don't have time for it, but getting angry and unkind usually takes even longer.

7. Socialise - humans are social beings and it is critical to our well-being that we have social networks. Being recognised gives us a sense of belonging and safety. Start by going to the same coffee shop every day, asking for the same kind of drink, sitting at the same table. After a couple of days the staff will remember you, your favourite drink and habits. This will create a familiar situation in which you can start a conversation, however small.

8. Make an acquaintance - to make a friend takes time, to make an acquaintance takes will. A good start is joining a place of interest, like starting a group hobby (dancing, painting or exercise classes). It's easier to start making connections in smaller, rather than bigger groups. Attending a weekend course is a good opportunity to get to know someone else. Arrange to see them after the course is finished. Becoming a member of a social group is also a way of meeting people, as is signing up for some volunteering work within your community.

9. Nurture yourself - think back to your life before relocation and things that made you feel relaxed. It may have been listening to music or a visit to a museum, creative expression or other activity… anything that recharges your batteries. Whilst there may not be exactly the same thing, the same people and the same environment - be creative and modify. If a visit to the opera is outside your scope at the moment, get an opera on DVD and watch it at home. The important thing is to dedicate specific time to a nurturing activity and do it.

10. Be patient - everything takes time and we are really good at placing expectations on ourselves and others that in a month or so we should be 'settled and over it'. Putting such a definite framework on relocation is unproductive - and stressful.

And when things get really too much to handle, think of the guy from the beginning of this article, it will make you laugh.

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Dina Zavrski-Makaric is a global leadership coach and intercultural trainer. She works with expatriates, repatriates and skilled-migrants, and everyone else who wants to leverage the many benefits of global living. Information: www.challengingdirections.com;
Contact: dina@challengingdirections.com.