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Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!!!!!

Discussion forum for expats moving to or living in Canada.

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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:48 pm

Hi Tigrita

Thank you for your mail. We are looking at Barrie as we have family who live in Elmvale.....we are a bit scared of being totally on our own until we have settled.

I will have a look at Oakville on the web. When are you due back in Canada????

We are trying to soften the blow by saying that we will travel around as much as Europe as we can before we finally go off. She has seen a lot of it but thought it would be nice for her to do what she wants this summer. This is totally dependent upon our house selling - currently on the market!!

Thank you for your advice and good luck in Germany!!!

Regards


Mal

 

deppfan
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 9:57 pm

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd fill you in on our experience as well.

At the end of November, my partner was offered a job in Times Square and our fears were (of course) on how our daughter (12) and 2 boys (5 & 7) would cope.

The boys were initially upset on the move as they didn't want to leave their friends etc but on learning that Spiderman lives in NY, were rather excited. We now talk with him every evening and they can visualize where he works as we watch the Times Square webcam every evening where their dad stands in front and 'pats his head' or 'stands on one leg' etc as we talk with him on his mobile (we're hoping to exchange/complete on our house in next 4 weeks).

Our daughter however just cried and cried. She has strong feelings about the US, and in particular, Bush and the war (she attended London demonstrations, wrote letters to Tony Blair (which she received replies) and has even stood up to the teachers at school by refusing to write an essay (You're a soldier fighting in the Iraq war - write how you feel' etc).

Nobody likes 'change' if the decision has already been made and her fears were no different than an employee consultation on changes to their job etc. If you don't have that input, then it is harder to accept and therefore 'buy into'. Of course, no child would have input into something this big, but we did our best to make her feel involved once we had made that decision.

And although we knew how she would react and we really really felt for her, we had to see it through and just be there for her. Everything she knows and has ever known would no longer be on her doorstep and she was (justifiably) frightened. What if she wasn't 'accepted' by the other kids - what if she never made any friends. What if she couldn't find her favourite foods. What if the music was rubbish. And she was now at that age where she had a better social life than us and some of her friends had taken an interest in boys and all that gossip stuff was going on!

So, I was expected to fly out to NY with my partner in mid December to see what we thought, but instead, our daughter went with him. We told her that if she found she hated it that much, then we would 'talk about it again' (I never said 'we won't do it' as we were doing it for all the right reasons). She loved it (ice skating in Central Park etc), but she still had those fears.

We sat around the night they got back, and all did 'pros and cons' of the move. I think I put something like I would only go if I could have a huge walk in wardrobe!!! She then said she would ONLY go if she could have her own computer with MSN once we got there - and if she could fly back for her best friends birthday! So for christmas she was got a webcam and as soon as we are settled, we'll buy her the computer. We've also told her friends, that as the summer holidays coincide, we'll bring a friend out of she can fly over to the UK.

I've now pulled her out of school and am teaching her American History and Geography at home (until the end of February) and she spends her evenings on MSN and weekends with them and she doesn't miss out on any of the gossip. Instead, all her friends go out of the way to brief her and she's probably getting more attention than before.

All her friends envy her and can't wait to come and see her. She still has days when she feels sad etc at leaving them, but she also has some good things to hold onto.

Anyway, I wish you all the best with your daughter. As long as you keep talking to her - maybe a little each day. And tell her that it is only a flight away and theirs always school holidays etc!

Good luck!

 

Mell
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 8:27 pm

Hi Mel

Thank you for your e mail and advice. From reading your experience it is clear that all children have these fears and quite understandable. I smiled when I read about your daughter and the US. My daughter is exactly the same about the US and also Canada with the killing of the seals. We've explained that to the inhabitants of these really artic areas, the seals are probably their main source of food etc....and that there isn't a sainsbury's on the doorstep. I think deep down she fully appreciates that most Canadians are just as upset about the culling of the seals as anybody would be. I think it is just another form of protest from her.

When we were in Canada last summer we met up with my husband's cousin who had this really cool band T shirt (can't remember the band but a very famous rock one). He told my daughter that they had just driven back from New York where the concert was. I could see that she was pretty impressed with that. So, we have said that we can easily do the New York thing to get her bedding etc......quite a good bribe I thought!!!!
Our 5 year old son loves spiderman too and when we went to Niagara Falls there was a really good spiderman shop.....which he hasn't forgotton...so that will keep him keen!!!

I've read other threads where children have used MSN to keep in touch with former friends.....then gradually it drifts off because they find that they no longer have much in common. Our daughter will definately keep in touch with close friends and like you said, there is always the school holidays. We have already said that they are welcome to come over anytime they wish

I think we shall just have to play it by ear really. Don't think you can really predict how they will react.

I wish you well in New York

Regards


Marian

 

deppfan
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:11 am

Hi guys

Just wanted to offer a suggestion. I *had* this problem till a couple of weeks back!!! I posted this on a couple of other forums too.

My son loves Tortoises, its his hobby. I got him onto chat forums with other kids with this hobby or similar from the country we hope to go.

Its worked wonders, he cant wait to get there and meet these nice folk Smile

Perhaps the folks with the girls there could get the girls all on MSN to chat about their fears. Us oldies are useless at listening to them (in the teenage opinion) so let them discuss it amongst themselves.

Just my two pennies worth!

Annette

 

N1k1002003
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:07 pm

Hi Annette

thank you for your reply. That sounds a great idea considering that my daughter spends nearly all her life on MSN !!!

Don't know if any othe parents out there with hesitant children feel about this??

Thanks again Annette

Regards

Marian

 

deppfan
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