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Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!!!!!

Discussion forum for expats moving to or living in Canada.

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Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!!!!!

Post Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 5:08 am

Crying or Very sad Hi, Can anybody offer any advice. We are a british family still in the UK but are hoping to move to Ontario later this year.

We have a 5 year old son and a 15 year old daughter who is not happy about the move at all. Even the mention of the C (Canada) Word sends her running from the room. We have tried to talk to her but it always ends in tears....has anybody experienced this kind of reaction???

We would love to hear from any expats or indeed Canadians who have teenage children and who could offer some much needed advice.

Thanks

Mal

 

deppfan
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 12:31 am

Deppfan:

Have you asked her what she is afraid of? Perhaps she has "heard " some bit of incorrect information about Canada that has her upset?

I would try to get her to "unload" her fears onto one of you, and then you will be able to reassure her, that ALL of you will be doing something very new and quite scary. Maybe she feels that she is the "only one" that is uneasy about this big move. Be honest with her about YOUR own fears and hopes for the future.

Have you tried to show her information about daily life here in Canada ? By seeing that WE are not so foreign after all, she may calm down. She probably feels "helpless " and resents being driven along without any imput to the exercise at hand.

She may also fear being the "new girl" at school where she will be "only one of many new girls". Depending on exactly where you will be living in Ontario, the school may be filled with newcomers, from all over the world, and she will be only one of many newcomers.

Tell her that we have BBC tv here, so she can see all her regular shows, and MTV has all her fav music and videos, on cable tv. Tell her that you expect her to give it a FULL YEAR in Canada then you will discuss sending her back to the UK to live . Do this in a firm way but with the understanding that she has to "knuckle down " and get on her bike and be a much better student than she has in the past. Tell her that being a "immigrant" will not be accepted as a excuse for doing badly in school. Tell her that the Chinese and Asian kids will be the best students in her school, because their Parents EXPECT them to be great, and THEY didn't speak English at all when they came to Canada. No excuses.

OK my former strict discipline methods as a military trainer have come thru, I'm afraid, so I'll also say this...............It is a big upheaval for a family and you all have to be more considerate of each other's feelings.

I live in Toronto and if I can be of any help, in any way, contact me here, or at my private e-mail at jimbunting @ rogers.com

Jim Bunting. Toronto.

 

buntingj
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 9:25 pm

Hi Jim

thank you for your mail. We have already covered most of your suggestions. I think the "being the new girl" aspect is certainly on her mind, although she is a great mixer and makes friends very easily. She has had a very good private education here and is a grade A student taking 12 formal exams in the summer, so I don't think I can really ask her to do much more at school.

She has a wide circle of friends and is at the age where any change is going to cause her immense distress - even if we moved within the UK.

We have had many "family discussions" and she has always said that she doesn't want to leave England. Whilst at 15 I can understand this, an element of selfishness on our part has to come into play. In 2 years time she will be ending her secondary education and looking to go to university - so she will be gone from home. By that time our youngest child will be 7 and will probably not want to leave either. There is of course the aspect that she has all her life in front of her and ours is in the middle stages. We have been to both Canada and the States many times and whilst they are completely different countries and, I have to say Canadians are much friendlier, she has enjoyed both mixing with the people and experiencing new cultures. I don't think she views Canada as foreign, just different.

We are convinced that once she gets there, she will have a great time and will see that it is a great country to live in and will offer her more opportunities than she will have in the UK.
My husband and I have set our minds on this. We have told her that she will need to stay for at least 3 years in order to obtain her Canadian Citizenship - this will allow her to travel freely to and from the country.

Friends and work colleagues have all said that it is a very difficult age to move a child, but she is still our responsibility and will have to come with us as I am not prepared to leave her in the UK when we begin a new life thousands of miles away.

Kids, who would have them????!!!!!!!

Thank you

Marian

 

deppfan
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 2:33 am

Marian:

Thanks for giving me more details about your situation.

The fact that your family has been to both Canada and the USA tells me that your daughter's resistance is based on her inner feelings, rather than a "fear of Canada".

I totally agree that she is too young to be on her own, in any country. I think that you will find that once she is here things will improve, especially as she is a good student all ready.

One of the things that may not have been discussed is the fact that un-like the UK Canada has no nobility or class system, which means that applicants to any Canadian University are judged by their academics not their family tree, or titles. Again,un-like the USA, we don't offer sports scholarships, and instead of having multi-million dollar sports stadiums, Canadian Universities spend their money on actual education, not preparing students to be professional basketball players. The competition to get into " the best " Universities is intense here, but the rewards are also huge. Depending on where you are living in Ontario, she may NOT have to live in residence, she may be able to live at home and commute to the Uni.

Families that leave their home country to Immigrate to another country, usually do it for THE KIDS, not themselves. Coming from the UK to Canada , you will trade one life for another, and the differences are very large. Some of the differences are obvious, others are not so obvious.

On citizenship for her. That is a good idea, both in the near future, and later for employment flexability. Does she have any idea about what subjects she wants to study in University?

I think that you will both have to be firm and keep stressing the advantages in Canada.

Cheers Jim Bunting. Toronto.

 

buntingj
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 4:10 am

Hi Jim

thank you for your reply. It's funny you mentioning about Canada not having the class/nobility thing, because that's exactly the impression we got when we were there last summer. My husband's family are in Barrie and the friendliness of the people was quite breathtaking!! My daughter and myself were in Walmart as my husband's aunt (she is the Canadian relative) wanted some low sugar sweetner. Well, we couldn't see it on the shelf so I asked one of the shop assistants. The guy just stood there for about 5 minutes with a look of amazement on his face and kept asking us to repeat our request. Then he went off and returned with some work colleagues and asked us to repeat our question. My daughter was concerned that we had offended them....but it was the total opposite, they were just taken aback by our accents.....and were just the nicest people I have ever met in a store!!!!! She is intelligent enough to know how welcoming people were too us....I just think (and am hoping) that she has natural concerns and that, as you say, when we arrive she will see that it is a much better place to live and that we have done the right thing.

I have contacted a few schools, educational bodies and our immigratuion lawyer regarding schooling etc they have all said that the UK education system is about a year ahead of Canada simply because children in the UK have to take formal exams at the age of 16 - they can then leave school if they wish or carry on to post-secondary school and then take another set of formal exams at the age of 18 - they can then go onto Uni from there. One school I contacted advised that they had experience with the English education system and that our daughter would be allocated points based on the exam results she receives in June. I am hoping that the change over will be easy for her. I think the only thing she will get stuck on is anything regarding Canadian history as it isn't covered very much over here. She has already had to begin looking for a post 16 school and has chosen the following A levels (names of exams she will study from 16-18) English, History, Government and Politics, Classical Civilisations. At Uni I think she would either choose English or History as she would like to be a teacher.

Thank you for your advice. I am sure once we get there things will begin to settle down.

Marian
We have decided upon this move both for ourselves but mostly for the children. The UK is not a good place to live now, the crime rate, cost of living, arrival of illegal immigrants - who just disappear and are not tracked...are just some of the reasons we need to move. Our famillies have been very supportive and have all said that if they had their time over again they would do exactly the same. Our house is now up for sale so we are really ready for this.

Have you ever lived anywhere else in the world????

 

deppfan
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 4:41 pm

Hi Depp fan - We are planning to emigrate to ontario also and have a 16 year old daughter!!! She too has had 16 years, similar to your daughter and this summer will begin her A-levels. She has a wide group of friends, activites etc so we are in the same boat! However, our difference is that we already own a house in Muskoka and she has a cousin of 14. She has met up with the local children in the area and this has helped to oversome her fears. However I am still aware that there could be issues, especially as she now has a new boyfriend!!If you are planning on coming over to the area in the month of August let me know and it may help your daughter to meet up our's.
Just to thought..but best of luck,and regards.

 

nash
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Re: Teenage daughter doesn't want to move to Ontario - HELP!

Post Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 4:55 pm

Hi

Thank you for your email...it came as a bit of a relief to know that we aren't the only ones!!!

Our daughter also has a boyfriend, so I think he is playing a part in all this too. But as I have tried to explain to her boyfriends come and go...but I suppose at 16 they don't see that. It's good that your daughter has mixed with local children. When we stayed with my hubby's family last summer, there weren't really any children there that she could talk to....so she didn't really get a sense of what they do etc

Has your daughter said that she doesn't want to go??? we can't even talk to our without her breaking down into tears. I've been trying to find a website that is for children who have emmigrated to other countries, but there just doesn't seem to be any. Thank you for your offer to meet up, that's very kind of you. At the moment we don't know where we will be in the summer. Is Muskoka near to Barrie where we are heading for??? My hubby thinks he has seen it on the map but isn't sure.

thanks once again for your support

Regards

Mal

 

deppfan
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